You Do Not Have to Like Every Part of Someone to Work Well With Them
One of the fastest ways to make work relationships harder than they need to be is expecting people to be good at everything we need from them. We do this all the time without realizing it:
Someone is great to brainstorm with, so we assume they'll be dependable with follow-through.
Someone is warm and supportive, so we assume we can trust them with sensitive information.
Someone gives excellent feedback, so we expect them to deliver it with the exact warmth or care we prefer.
And then, when they disappoint us in one area, we start questioning the whole relationship.
“Maybe they are not who I thought they were. Maybe I cannot trust them at all. Maybe I need to distance myself completely.”
Sometimes that is the right conclusion. But often, the disappointment isn't telling you to end the relationship—it is simply giving you better information about the actual relationship.
People are usually more complicated than we want them to be
In psychology, there is a concept called cognitive complexity. In simple terms, it is our ability to hold more than one truth about a person at the same time.
Someone can be a strong collaborator and dismissive sometimes.
Someone can care about you and still disappoint you.
Someone can be excellent at their job and difficult to communicate with.
Someone can be fun to work with, but not someone you tell your personal business to.
Both things can be true.
We often prefer cleaner categories: Good coworker / Bad coworker. Supportive boss / Terrible boss. Trustworthy / Untrustworthy. Those categories feel easier because they tell us exactly what box to put someone in. But real workplace relationships are usually messier.
One disappointing moment can rewrite the whole relationship
Think about how quickly this happens. A coworker repeats something you told them privately, and suddenly you’re replaying every conversation you’ve ever had with them. A supervisor gives dismissive feedback, and you question whether they ever respected you in the first place.
One disappointing behavior becomes the only thing we can see. That is where a little more complexity can help. Instead of asking, "Is this person good or bad?" try asking: "What have I learned about this person?"
That is a different—and usually far more useful—question.
Maybe you just learned where not to go
There are people in my life that I can call for certain things and some that I’d never call for the same situation. That does not make those relationships meaningless; it means I understand them.
Maybe a coworker is who you want beside you in a crisis because they stay calm under pressure, but they aren't the person you depend on to remember small details.
Maybe a colleague gives thoughtful professional advice, but tends to repeat things, so you keep personal information to yourself.
Maybe your supervisor is brilliant at solving complex problems, but isn't especially affirming, so you stop waiting for them to provide emotional reassurance.
Seeing people clearly means noticing both their strengths and their limits.
Appreciation does not require unlimited access
We sometimes confuse appreciating someone with accepting everything about them. You can enjoy working with someone without trusting them with everything. You can respect someone's expertise without wanting their advice on your personal life. You can value a relationship while changing your expectations of it.
That isn't being fake—it is discernment.
We do not need every person at work to be our confidant, cheerleader, sounding board, crisis manager, lunch friend, mentor, and emotional support system. That is a lot to ask of one person. And honestly, it is a lot to ask of ourselves, too.
Disappointment is information
When we experience disappointment, our knee-jerk reaction is often: "What do I do about this person now?" A better first question is: "What did I just learn?"
I learned that this person does not respond well when challenged.
I learned that I should confirm agreements in writing.
I learned that they are helpful when I ask directly, but rarely anticipate what I need.
I learned that I can rely on them for this project, but not for confidentiality.
That information helps you make better decisions without turning every disappointment into a dramatic ending.
This does not mean tolerating harmful behavior
Seeing people with nuance is not the same thing as endlessly excusing them. Some behaviors should shift the relationship. Repeated disrespect matters. Broken trust matters. Dishonesty, harassment, and patterns that make it unsafe to do your job matter.
Cognitive complexity doesn't mean forcing yourself to stay connected to harmful people. It means being able to say:
"This person has qualities I value, AND this behavior is not okay with me."
"I appreciate what they contribute here, AND I need a clear boundary there."
Let the relationship be what it actually is
Much of our frustration at work comes from demanding things from people they have repeatedly shown us they cannot give.
Seeing someone clearly is a kindness to both of you: you stop expecting them to change, and you stop placing yourself in situations that leave you drained. Value the part that works. Protect yourself around the part that does not. Get what you need somewhere else.
The next time you hit a wall with a colleague, stop asking:
"Why can't this person be what I need them to be?"
And start asking:
"Who have they actually shown me they are, and how do I choose to relate to that person?"
That is clarity. And clarity gives you choices.
If this brought something up for you, that is the kind of reflection Tended Collective was built for. Explore more tools and resources to help you navigate work with more clarity and intention.